Wednesday, 8 March 2017



I was sitting on the boulder looking at the water, how it was hitting the rock and simultaneously moving away.
Like it wanted to enclose the whole rock under it and never leave while the rock was trying hard to push it away.

It was the last day with him. He would be leaving for his flight back home exactly after 8 hours. I was dreading the coming hours. But today was so nice. I was finally alone with him.

I looked back trying to find him. He was talking to a guy, most probably asking him a way out of the trail we were lost in. He was so interested in talking to the locals in city, asking them questions like a young, curious person! the one I always wished to be! May be that's why, I had fallen for him. He was exactly what I could never be! Cool, calm and extrovert!

How beautiful life was at the moment. I was with him at a faraway land amidst the beautiful falls. I remembered how good and complete it felt the last time we were holding hands. And the day we walked through the whole city. How all the events had come together to let us be with each other. I felt like I was at a better place now. Yet, I was afraid that it would soon be over.
I was going to miss him so badly. My mind was having flash backs of the last few days that I spent with him when he interrupted me " Still thinking about your ex, huh? "

I looked at him, pitying myself.
Even after all those moments we spent with each other, all those intimate eye contacts we shared and all the bare-soul talks we had, he still didn't know that I had fallen for him. Or may be he was like the rock, pushing and pulling the water at the same time, playing with me as though I had no feelings.

"No, I was thinking about why these boulders don't make place for water to surrender" I replied pointing to a nearby stone.
He went into a deep thought for awhile.
"The water here cannot be contained within the boulders. It has its own destiny and a long way to go. The rocks are present just to guide it's way towards the sea, waiting to merge with it and transform into a magnificent character." He replied, his eyes reflecting the the ocean of thoughts he was having. True wanderlust he was!

Maybe indirectly, but he taught me one of the biggest lesson of my life and that's when I realized
That he is too, just a guide in my life.

That now or later, I had to let him go.

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

For the best friend i met on my way to destiny!


i love you because you encouraged me to go to canada when i was having double minds.

i love you because you woke me up every morning and made coffee for me while i would be busy rushing from one bathroom to another .

i love you because even though you used to be the first person to get ready, you would wait for me to come out and get late in the class and still wont complain.

i love you because you used to be the first person to pop up in my head when i used to forget taking things inside the bathroom.

i love you because you always used to get 2 ice-teas to the dining table so that i wouldn't have to rush again to get mine. 

i love you because you would get it right away when i used to get really low and pretended like i was the happiest person in the world

i love you for not letting me have more tequila shots when i was already drunk as fuck and taking care of me while i was drooling the whole way back home.

i love you for being there for me when i was drunk and started crying for no reason

i love you because i can come to you all sad and depressed a moment after i have made 10-20 people laugh on my silly jokes and crazy comments.

i love you for listening to all my whining about  how much i missed my ex , how much i wanted to be with my crush, for helping me at least start talking with him because i was too shy

i love you for making efforts in my love story as if it was yours.

i love you because you would come with me to the places i wanted to roam about.

i love you because i could come to you and gossip about anyone and everyone, that girl that i don't like, that guy i am crushing over badly, that friend of yours i dont like, that person who screwed up , and every other shitty person and you wouldn't judge

i love you because you would argue with me unnecessarily. 

i love you for protecting me from guys drooling all over me in the pub.

i love you because you kept finding opportunities of keeping me and that guy i was crushing over together.

i love you for handling my indecisiveness , my obsessions, my constant fight between love and hatred, my craziness and my last-minute preparation behavior.

i love you for being a good cook and never boasting about it.

i love you for being my partner in googling about new places to go, doing all the planning and then accompanying me there.

i love you for talking all the "deep, shitty things" and guiding me in my decisions and not getting enervated when i would talk about the same topic the whole day. 

i cant be more thankful for all that you have done for me, specially in canada! i would have not managed it there nicely, if it weren't for you!

what i would like to say to you?

you are wonderful and selfless . That is why you are mommy to so many of us! things will be okay someday, in fact beautiful! you would love your life more than you did in canada. you would get your special someone so you would not even have the chance of thinking about one-night stands. you would get your joe!! you will not have to adopt babies becasue you would make them! life will be beautiful. Your bottled up emotions would drain off , the wall would be broken and you would feel more complete than you have ever felt. kyuki zindagi bohot haseen hai! 

be like this forever! 

happiest birthdayyyyy honeyyyyyy! my fire brigade! let this be the last gift of your dayyyyy!






Sunday, 13 March 2016

A Memory Deleted

Posting one of the story i wrote for a contest. Do read( yeah, its a bit too long) and let me know if u like it.


A MEMORY DELETED


Months had passed since he had shifted to Banglore for college. They had decided that they would make this long distance relationship work, whatsoever.

But as the time passed the frequency of their talks had started dwindling. They barely used to talk nowadays. He would be busy most of the times but that had not stopped him from coming in her mind. This had started infecting her work, her college projects. She would sit absent minded in the class dreaming of the things that won’t come to life, wishing he would be sitting next to her and staring her lovingly with those deep eyes while she would be busy pretending that she was studying, like she always did in school. But the bond had started getting weaker day by day. She had started feeling as if she was in the middle of road and would get ripped off in an accident if she doesn’t decide where to go. She had never felt so intricate. But the past months had taken a toll over their relationship. So what? Every relationship has its own ups and downs and how could she forget the good old days with him. They would be completing six years of togetherness after exactly four months now. But in present, nothing was right. The last time they talked was two weeks ago.

She unlocked her phone and started typing.
Hey, how are you? I know that you are really busy and can’t talk right now but there is something perturbing me. What do you think it is, between us? I know we have conferred about this so many times but we barely talk and this silence is eating me up. You don’t know anything about me or what I am going through. This past year was tough for both of us but that doesn’t mean we stop talking. I love you but I am having second thoughts about us. Please just help me get rid of these thoughts. Tell me that everything will be fine and we’ll be together for the rest of our lives. I love you. Waiting for your reply.

she read the message once again and then promptly clicked on the send button. She had already started anticipating his reply. He would once again sweep her off with his calm and soothing words, like he always did. He was always the calm one between them. She spent the rest of the day with acute restlessness hovering over her phone the whole time.

She willed herself to not check her phone to see if he had replied. It had been about three days now. She hated that she was constantly checking his 'last seen at' status and yes, he had logged in just five minutes ago. Yet she couldn't stop herself. This sinking feeling to find absolutely no communication from him was becoming unbearable, almost torturous.

And then, just as she sat down in her chair, her phone vibrated. With her heart thudding in her ear, she unlocked her phone and stared at the screen. Finally! It was his message.

But when she opened it and read it, she almost stopped breathing. She didn't know if he was joking or not. What was this?
This could not be possible. She suddenly drifted into a black hole. Various thoughts just started running in and out at a speed faster than the velocity of light. Her head started aching. She went into her room and locked the door silently as she sobbed. She started reading his message again and again and every time it hurt her with a higher degree of intensity. Thick salty tears trickled down her face as she read.

Hey, I had been thinking of talking to you about all this too. I’m sorry for the late reply. I contemplated a lot about what you said and I think I have driven to a conclusion you might not like. There has been a huge gap between us since past year and it has been increasing since then. We both are trying our hands on working this relationship out but it might be the time to cease it. To stop forcing ourselves in it. You are not happy and neither am I. Last year has been a mess and I thought maybe we could work things out but I have got tired of calling shots and we both know that we are not happy. So I have opted to end this relationship. Yes, I think we should break up. I’m sorry. I really am. Somewhere yes, may be all this is my mistake. We can talk about this more if you want but I hope you know that this is my final decision.

She could not stop crying. Her mind could not gallop those sentences. ‘End this relationship. We should break up. My final decision. No this cannot happen. I can talk to him and I will convince him otherwise.’
It was midnight. She messaged him back.
You cannot just break up like this over text. I know that we are not on same page but that doesn’t mean that we break up. Call me whenever you get free.
She laid down on her bed. Thinking. Still sobbing. And as the time passed she eventually went to sleep.

She woke up to the buzzing sound of her phone. A message had just arrived.
I wish I could talk to you but I can’t. I am not going to be in town for two more years which is a very long time. This will be dire for both of us. But breaking up is the only right thing to in order to avoid anything worse. But we can be in touch. We can be friends.

She again started crying heavily. How could he just be like this? So cold! How can he drop all those wonderful days?! She started running to every corner of the room trying to find solace, to understand what was happening with her but all she got was unwelcoming silence. She looked in the mirror and found herself weak and terrible. Her eyes had turned red and sore. oh man! What have I done to myself. Am I so weak? No, I am not! I cannot be. What if someone sees me like this? She took a deep breath, dried her eyes and tried to shake some sense into herself. But then she started sobbing again. She was a strong woman but he was taking away her strength. His words were pinching her whole body. After a few retries, she finally stopped crying.

She spent the whole day at home. Depressed. Reading his old messages. His letters. Her diary entries. It was all so grueling and she could not even think of not being with him. She thought about past year’s event. There was nothing in specific that had gone wrong in their relationship. It was just the lack of communication. Once, they had gone over four months without talking to each other but it never felt like he was getting far away. May be he was right. May be the gap had been increasing and may be it was time to stop the torture she was doing to herself. But she could not be just friends with him. She still loved him and would love him forever.
She texted him.
Okay. As you say. I love you and I cannot be just friends with you and you know why! so yeah, this is it. I will not be able to move on if I am in touch with you.  Please take care of yourself. Bye. Love!

How suddenly her life had changed over a few text messages! But she didn’t cry this time. She got dressed and went over her best friend’s place to break out this news. Her friends were very supportive and mollifying, and would do anything to make her feel sane, but at the end, it was her own battle and she had to win. She had to move on whatsoever.

Sadly, everything in the world was singing only one name to her. ‘Rohan’. She would put on the radio and the only song playing would be his favorite one. She would go somewhere with her parents and the road they would take would be the one they both had walked on, holding hands and laughing together. She would switch on the television and his favorite show would be playing on. Suddenly there emerged out one more Rohan in her class whom she had never heard about. It was like the universe was trying out hard to make her feel miserable. Every mundane thing just led to one thing. Him. Sometimes she even thought of texting him back, that she could handle no more, that they should get back together irrespective of the consequences but she never did. She would stalk his social networking profile just to see what is he up to. She would often check his last seen just to assure herself that he was doing just fine. She would listen to their voice recordings for hours in night. She would do just anything that would make her feel closer to him. She would often picture herself acquainting him about the entangled situations in her life.

It had been three months now and she hadn’t even walked an inch on the road of moving on. She had instead started getting away from people, had started keeping a distance from everybody.

Days were passing by but she was still standing at just one place.
Then one day, it dawned on her. it was high time! She had not been good with other people too. She unlocked her phone and deleted all his messages, his voice records and everything. She blocked him on the social networking sites so that she won’t stalk him. She wrapped all her diaries and the letters with a tape and pushed them in the attic and got rid of all the things that would remind her of him. Because all this grieving had to stop! She started keeping herself overloaded with work. She even joined an NGO and started teaching under-privileged children. This was something that always made her happy. Watching those children studying hard to achieve their goals! She started hanging out with her college friends more often. She started welcoming people in her life.

Everything was perfect except one thing. There was still not a single night when she didn’t think of him. She wanted to tell him things, so many things. Life had changed so much since their breakup six months ago.
She then thought of writing emails to his old email id. An id whose password he had forgotten way back. This way he would not know that she was still not over him. So every now and then when she missed him, she used to blurt out all her thoughts over the email. Sometimes, she would google in “how to move on” category blogs but those silly posts wouldn’t help. They didn’t know what had actually happened. And no, she didn’t hate her ex and had no grudges towards him.

Months passed as memories of him started fading. There were times she deliberately used to listen to the songs that reminded her of him, so that she could miss him. She used to feel weird when he didn’t come up in his mind.
Have I started getting over him? This thought made her heart sink for a minute. No, no! I haven’t. I still think about him.
She was a masochist. A grand one! But yes time had started healing her scars. She had started enjoying her life, even without him.

She welcomed people in her life. She developed a crush on someone after almost five years, a big achievement for her! She started sharing her 2AM thoughts with them. She was changing, slowly and steadily. She could now listen to his favorite songs without getting upset even for a fraction of seconds. She realized that moving ahead was the right thing to do. It was not him who was pulling her away from her work, her friends, her parents or her existence. It was her all along, swimming through the pool of confusion, against the current. She loved the five years she had spent with him and nobody could change that but the fact remained, they were no more together and she had to be fine with it.

She no more wanted to get the relationship back. She would be okay when somebody asked her about their relationship and would reply with smiles all over her face. Because things were finally getting fine and she knew this. She laughed on the things she used to contemplate. That she won’t ever come out of this relationship. That she won’t find anyone better than him. That “time heals” is not an honest quote. That life had stopped.

No! life had instead begun and was waiting for her with handful of opportunities.
It took her more than a year to emerge out of this emotional downfall. Now that she finally had, she couldn’t be more thankful to the people who helped her progress. People who entered her life just to help her with her misery, who had directly or indirectly dawned on her that life had to move on. The small acts, small situations she had found herself and every other thing. They all had done just one thing. One great thing! Help her move on!

Breakups are difficult. They are hard to deal with. They leave a void in our hearts which may or may not be filled. But they do get stitched. And sure, someday the stitches might hurt but that’s okay. That’s a part of growing up. That will always remind you of the wonderful days that you have lived. You may not see it today but you will look back in few years and be absolutely perplexed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful. You will be grateful that things didn’t work out the way you once wanted them to. You don’t miss someone after a certain time, you just remember them in the best way possible. And yes, I believe love will come again knocking my door. Sooner or later!

Just as she posted this on her blog, her phone buzzed. A message had arrived.
Hey Krutika, this is Rohan. How are you? How is life? I am in town. Let’s meet up! Miss you.
She read it with smile all over her face and replied.
Hey, I am really good and life is awesome. How are you? I remain occupied these days so can’t meet up but hey, I wanted to thank you for making the right decision back then. I can’t be more thankful. Life has been full of opportunities and I am never going to look back.




Thursday, 18 September 2014

Mom is the World to me!

I had been thinking of writing about mum since days!
so here we are to talk about all the mothers out there. The one who struggles for us, the one who works day and night for us,the one  who makes us feel loved, the one who can solve all our problems!
Sometimes I just keep on thinking for how are they so wonderful and so amazing. I just cannot live without my mother. I mean, how can I? 
we normally don't realize the importance she has in our lives,but there are days when this fact hit hard.
I remember once when  my mother had gone out of town and i was there at home searching for every little thing and calling mom again and again for the same. where is that thing? how to make this? where is the iron? where should i keep this? where is the nail-cutter? where do we keep cinnamon?what medicine should i take? OMG ! i was just so messed up without her.
We roam care-free everywhere just because mom is there to take care of everything for us.
she might immediately do whatever she can !she will wake up early just to wake us up! she is the one who thinks about us all day! what must be my child doing? where might he/she be? what should i cook for my children today?
 Isn't she the first person to call, even when you are 5 minutes late ! my mom does that all the time and sometimes i do get irritated,  but once when she didn't call.. i kept on wondering why! It was because i was habituated with her caring! she is the first person i have loved and i am so proud of this fact.

Mothers are brave, brave enough to let you go out of home, and wait for you to come back to that safe place again. they are loving enough to let you do things your way even when they don't like it! they are supporting enough to let you go study out of town even when they want you to be right beside them. They are the only people who will listen to your problems for hours even when they themselves  had a bad day. they are the only one who would sit beside you whole night when you get sick! they are the ones who is going to calmly explain about the mistakes you made.

My mother is my world! there is no one who can love me more than her. 
i remember the day i cried for an hour sleeping on my mother's lap and blurting out stupid and weirdest things, knowing that she would ignore them. I also remember the nights when i feel too lost and the only person i can go up to is my mother( though i don't go!)

They do so much for us..in fact they do everything for us but what do we do for them? Not much. 
Ofcourse,  we cannot match up with their selfless love but then,  we don't even try !
Instead there are times we shout at them, "mom, how could you do this?"." please leave me alone"," i don't want to talk".
This is totally fine, I  guess.  You can get angry on people you love..right? 
Even when i am writing this,  I know I will get angry on her at times,  but let us make a promise that from now onwards. A promise that we will tell our moms that we love them double the times we get angry on them!
How many times have you told your mother that you love her, that she is too important to you that you cannot exist without her.? very less! Even I accept.

So mum..here is this, only for you
i may shout, i may get angry, i wont talk and i may hide. but u know me...i hope u know me. i am too introvert to get rid of my feelings. i am too shy to come in front of you and speak out that i love you.
but u know that i do! thank you for being my mother and thank you for showing too much care for me! thank you for the times you have let me do things my way. thank you for letting me out and giving me freedom to think about my own self. thank u for supporting my decision of choosing my line of interest. thank you for speaking out for me. And lastly,  thank you for being calm.  i am sorry for all the times i get angry(which is way too much). love you mommy <3 you are too great and i am so lucky to have you.

So 3 cheers to all the mothers out there! You are the bravest people on earth.



Monday, 23 June 2014

extract from diary of broken heart

Guys, this is my first blog. Read it and do comment for how is it.

So its been days since our break up, an official break up. Break up on the day we talked after 6 months. Break up on the day we met almost after a year. Was it a good day or bad one? What a funny question to ask. To b honest, it was good.
It was evening and my exams had just finished. My heartbeats used to raise every time i  met him but this was different. I wanted to think about what i would talk to him, but i couldn't. There was an hour left so i tried to be as casual in front of my friends. And there it struck 5:00 pm . the time we decided for meeting. THE TIME. I  was nervous. I was breathless. What would happen? I used to get blank in front of him and this time i could not afford to. There were certain answers i was seeking to. I went to see him. He was sitting, waiting for me. And to my surprise i started feeling normal. I felt confident as i stepped towards him to say a "hi". He did too.  He looked same, didnt changed a bit. I was glad. We went to sit in a cafe.
At first we were quiet, den we started talking in tits and bits. He asked-i answered-silence-i asked-he answered-silence and this would repeat. It didnt feel like we were talking after ages. It felt good. Sitting beside him, sharing things.
We talked about my college, his college, my whereabouts, his college mates, my key chain, my accident, my vehicle , his maths, his jokes, his library, words thay i learnt and would keep on repeating in my talks, his catching of those words, my friends, his  friends, idiotic people and every small thing that came in our brains. We were both so afraid to talk about our relationship status but in between d mundane talks ,we did. He asked me for what i wanted to ask to him.At first, I was reluctant to ask him anything so i just smiled. But later i did ask him " why didnt you meet me the last time you came in town?" He said he was busy. He had work to do and meet his relatives so the one month passed very fast. I asked him further "you did come near my place still  didnt bother to call and meet me?" He said he was with his father. I knew he was lying but i pretended to be fine with his answers. He was still playing that lying game which made me feel that it is somewhere all over between us. So i asked him" do you want to continue the relationship or should we move on?" He counter questioned me " what do you want?" I asked him to reply first and this went on between all those general life talks. I later told him dat i would b fine wid whatever he chooses.so he chose to leave. He chose to break up. And you know what , i was totally fine with it. Bcoz i have had my try on working out between us but somewhere i was tired of it. Tired of listening to his lies and his excuses. I didnt wanted him to lie to me. So i said "okay" . I told him dat we would never meet or talk. He asked " not even friends?". I replied "no, not even friends". he said " but we have grown up together , how can v not talk?" I reasoned him with" if we would talk then that  wouldn't change anything between us . I wouldd still wait for you everyday and you would always be in my head". He tried to be fine with this answer. And we again started up with our general talk. There was no crying, no feeling awkward. Somewhere i didnt wanted to leave and i think may be he felt the same. We had time, much time. And we would not leave until someone told us to. We had very similar taste in music and all so he would usually ask me to listen to his favourite bands and movies. But today when he asked me to, i refused coz then that would remind me of him.he started teasing me like he always used to, saying that i am obsessed by him. Somewhere yes, i was! But that was love. I had missed him the last 6 months that we didnt talk to each other. But there was a silent talking between us those months. We both would get online and still not talk. We both would wait for the other person to initiate . We would get online atleast once to check on. Sometimes when i didnt find him i would get worried. But this had to stop. And yes now it did stop. I m glad. So coming back , it was time to go. He had got a call from home. So we stood up. I did felt awkward that time bcoz i wasnt having the upset feeling. He told me " you will have to change someday". i replied "yes, i will". I once again told him the so- called rules of never meeting .
" i would go away from your life as if i never existed." He remained silent for a moment and spoke " it was nice meeting u". i replied "take care!" Bye. Bye and then he went towards his 2-wheeler. At that moment i felt something.i felt real. I just kept standing. No, i couldnt. I started walking fast towards him so that i could meet him before he goes. He was sitting on his vehicle when i reached him. He asked "what happened?".  I took a deep breath , looked into his eyes and said " i love you!". He replied " sure, i love you." His statement was cold and dead. I didnt anyways wanted to hear it coz i didnt wanted to hear lies and this all would not have happened if he loved me. Washing this thought away, I hugged him. I just felt so good. I hugged him more tightly , said bye and left him without looking into his eyes.FULL STOP

THE END.
The end which would never have a new beginning.

When u have walked a mile with someone it is hard to walk alone but it aint impossible.
Go for it and live life, celebrate it.
And anyways pain makes u feel that u r alive