A Memory Deleted

Posting one of the story i wrote for a contest. Do read( yeah, its a bit too long) and let me know if u like it.

A MEMORY DELETED

Months had passed since he had shifted to Banglore for college. They had decided that they would make this long distance relationship work, whatsoever.

But as the time passed the frequency of their talks had started dwindling. They barely used to talk nowadays. He would be busy most of the times but that had not stopped him from coming in her mind. This had started infecting her work, her college projects. She would sit absent minded in the class dreaming of the things that won’t come to life, wishing he would be sitting next to her and staring her lovingly with those deep eyes while she would be busy pretending that she was studying, like she always did in school. But the bond had started getting weaker day by day. She had started feeling as if she was in the middle of road and would get ripped off in an accident if she doesn’t decide where to go. She had never felt so intricate. But the past months had taken a toll over their relationship. So what? Every relationship has its own ups and downs and how could she forget the good old days with him. They would be completing six years of togetherness after exactly four months now. But in present, nothing was right. The last time they talked was two weeks ago.

She unlocked her phone and started typing.

Hey, how are you? I know that you are really busy and can’t talk right now but there is something perturbing me. What do you think it is, between us? I know we have conferred about this so many times but we barely talk and this silence is eating me up. You don’t know anything about me or what I am going through. This past year was tough for both of us but that doesn’t mean we stop talking. I love you but I am having second thoughts about us. Please just help me get rid of these thoughts. Tell me that everything will be fine and we’ll be together for the rest of our lives. I love you. Waiting for your reply.

she read the message once again and then promptly clicked on the send button. She had already started anticipating his reply. He would once again sweep her off with his calm and soothing words, like he always did. He was always the calm one between them. She spent the rest of the day with acute restlessness hovering over her phone the whole time.

She willed herself to not check her phone to see if he had replied. It had been about three days now. She hated that she was constantly checking his 'last seen at' status and yes, he had logged in just five minutes ago. Yet she couldn't stop herself. This sinking feeling to find absolutely no communication from him was becoming unbearable, almost torturous.

And then, just as she sat down in her chair, her phone vibrated. With her heart thudding in her ear, she unlocked her phone and stared at the screen. Finally! It was his message.

But when she opened it and read it, she almost stopped breathing. She didn't know if he was joking or not. What was this?

This could not be possible. She suddenly drifted into a black hole. Various thoughts just started running in and out at a speed faster than the velocity of light. Her head started aching. She went into her room and locked the door silently as she sobbed. She started reading his message again and again and every time it hurt her with a higher degree of intensity. Thick salty tears trickled down her face as she read.

Hey, I had been thinking of talking to you about all this too. I’m sorry for the late reply. I contemplated a lot about what you said and I think I have driven to a conclusion you might not like. There has been a huge gap between us since past year and it has been increasing since then. We both are trying our hands on working this relationship out but it might be the time to cease it. To stop forcing ourselves in it. You are not happy and neither am I. Last year has been a mess and I thought maybe we could work things out but I have got tired of calling shots and we both know that we are not happy. So I have opted to end this relationship. Yes, I think we should break up. I’m sorry. I really am. Somewhere yes, may be all this is my mistake. We can talk about this more if you want but I hope you know that this is my final decision.

She could not stop crying. Her mind could not gallop those sentences. ‘End this relationship. We should break up. My final decision. No this cannot happen. I can talk to him and I will convince him otherwise.’

It was midnight. She messaged him back.

You cannot just break up like this over text. I know that we are not on same page but that doesn’t mean that we break up. Call me whenever you get free.

She laid down on her bed. Thinking. Still sobbing. And as the time passed she eventually went to sleep.

She woke up to the buzzing sound of her phone. A message had just arrived.

I wish I could talk to you but I can’t. I am not going to be in town for two more years which is a very long time. This will be dire for both of us. But breaking up is the only right thing to in order to avoid anything worse. But we can be in touch. We can be friends.

She again started crying heavily. How could he just be like this? So cold! How can he drop all those wonderful days?! She started running to every corner of the room trying to find solace, to understand what was happening with her but all she got was unwelcoming silence. She looked in the mirror and found herself weak and terrible. Her eyes had turned red and sore. oh man! What have I done to myself. Am I so weak? No, I am not! I cannot be. What if someone sees me like this? She took a deep breath, dried her eyes and tried to shake some sense into herself. But then she started sobbing again. She was a strong woman but he was taking away her strength. His words were pinching her whole body. After a few retries, she finally stopped crying.

She spent the whole day at home. Depressed. Reading his old messages. His letters. Her diary entries. It was all so grueling and she could not even think of not being with him. She thought about past year’s event. There was nothing in specific that had gone wrong in their relationship. It was just the lack of communication. Once, they had gone over four months without talking to each other but it never felt like he was getting far away. May be he was right. May be the gap had been increasing and may be it was time to stop the torture she was doing to herself. But she could not be just friends with him. She still loved him and would love him forever.

She texted him.

Okay. As you say. I love you and I cannot be just friends with you and you know why! so yeah, this is it. I will not be able to move on if I am in touch with you.  Please take care of yourself. Bye. Love!

How suddenly her life had changed over a few text messages! But she didn’t cry this time. She got dressed and went over her best friend’s place to break out this news. Her friends were very supportive and mollifying, and would do anything to make her feel sane, but at the end, it was her own battle and she had to win. She had to move on whatsoever.

Sadly, everything in the world was singing only one name to her. ‘Rohan’. She would put on the radio and the only song playing would be his favorite one. She would go somewhere with her parents and the road they would take would be the one they both had walked on, holding hands and laughing together. She would switch on the television and his favorite show would be playing on. Suddenly there emerged out one more Rohan in her class whom she had never heard about. It was like the universe was trying out hard to make her feel miserable. Every mundane thing just led to one thing. Him. Sometimes she even thought of texting him back, that she could handle no more, that they should get back together irrespective of the consequences but she never did. She would stalk his social networking profile just to see what is he up to. She would often check his last seen just to assure herself that he was doing just fine. She would listen to their voice recordings for hours in night. She would do just anything that would make her feel closer to him. She would often picture herself acquainting him about the entangled situations in her life.

It had been three months now and she hadn’t even walked an inch on the road of moving on. She had instead started getting away from people, had started keeping a distance from everybody.

Days were passing by but she was still standing at just one place.

Then one day, it dawned on her. it was high time! She had not been good with other people too. She unlocked her phone and deleted all his messages, his voice records and everything. She blocked him on the social networking sites so that she won’t stalk him. She wrapped all her diaries and the letters with a tape and pushed them in the attic and got rid of all the things that would remind her of him. Because all this grieving had to stop! She started keeping herself overloaded with work. She even joined an NGO and started teaching under-privileged children. This was something that always made her happy. Watching those children studying hard to achieve their goals! She started hanging out with her college friends more often. She started welcoming people in her life.

Everything was perfect except one thing. There was still not a single night when she didn’t think of him. She wanted to tell him things, so many things. Life had changed so much since their breakup six months ago.

She then thought of writing emails to his old email id. An id whose password he had forgotten way back. This way he would not know that she was still not over him. So every now and then when she missed him, she used to blurt out all her thoughts over the email. Sometimes, she would google in “how to move on” category blogs but those silly posts wouldn’t help. They didn’t know what had actually happened. And no, she didn’t hate her ex and had no grudges towards him.

Months passed as memories of him started fading. There were times she deliberately used to listen to the songs that reminded her of him, so that she could miss him. She used to feel weird when he didn’t come up in his mind.

Have I started getting over him? This thought made her heart sink for a minute. No, no! I haven’t. I still think about him.

She was a masochist. A grand one! But yes time had started healing her scars. She had started enjoying her life, even without him.

She welcomed people in her life. She developed a crush on someone after almost five years, a big achievement for her! She started sharing her 2AM thoughts with them. She was changing, slowly and steadily. She could now listen to his favorite songs without getting upset even for a fraction of seconds. She realized that moving ahead was the right thing to do. It was not him who was pulling her away from her work, her friends, her parents or her existence. It was her all along, swimming through the pool of confusion, against the current. She loved the five years she had spent with him and nobody could change that but the fact remained, they were no more together and she had to be fine with it.

She no more wanted to get the relationship back. She would be okay when somebody asked her about their relationship and would reply with smiles all over her face. Because things were finally getting fine and she knew this. She laughed on the things she used to contemplate. That she won’t ever come out of this relationship. That she won’t find anyone better than him. That “time heals” is not an honest quote. That life had stopped.

No! life had instead begun and was waiting for her with handful of opportunities.

It took her more than a year to emerge out of this emotional downfall. Now that she finally had, she couldn’t be more thankful to the people who helped her progress. People who entered her life just to help her with her misery, who had directly or indirectly dawned on her that life had to move on. The small acts, small situations she had found herself and every other thing. They all had done just one thing. One great thing! Help her move on!

Breakups are difficult. They are hard to deal with. They leave a void in our hearts which may or may not be filled. But they do get stitched. And sure, someday the stitches might hurt but that’s okay. That’s a part of growing up. That will always remind you of the wonderful days that you have lived. You may not see it today but you will look back in few years and be absolutely perplexed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful. You will be grateful that things didn’t work out the way you once wanted them to. You don’t miss someone after a certain time, you just remember them in the best way possible. And yes, I believe love will come again knocking my door. Sooner or later!

Just as she posted this on her blog, her phone buzzed. A message had arrived.

Hey Krutika, this is Rohan. How are you? How is life? I am in town. Let’s meet up! Miss you.

She read it with smile all over her face and replied.

Hey, I am really good and life is awesome. How are you? I remain occupied these days so can’t meet up but hey, I wanted to thank you for making the right decision back then. I can’t be more thankful. Life has been full of opportunities and I am never going to look back.